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For over 18 years, Rabbi Suzanne H. Carter has assisted many families in Broward and Palm Beach Counties with chapel funeral services, graveside services, memorial services (both in-chapel and in-house) and unveiling services
for their loved ones. Rabbi Carter is well known for her heartfelt services.
The dying process
Vidui - About the Final Prayer
Before the modern age there would be no confusion about what would take place just before death. In most Jewish communities,
the Chevra Kaddisha, burial society, would be called in to care for the dying person, the gosses
They recited verses from Psalm 119 that corresponded to the letters in the person’s
Hebrew name. The Chevra Kaddisha encouraged go-ses-sim (pl. gosess) to make peace with this world by encouraging them to
bless their children and ask forgiveness from their family and friends.
During the last moments of life, the go-sess has an opportunity to verbally make peace with a lifetime of accomplishments and
shortcomings through the Vidui prayer of confession. It is a mitzvah to say a personal final prayer or the traditional text,
and it is a mitzvah to help someone say it.
Unlike the Catholic ritual that is done in part to secure a heavenly abode, the Vidui acknowledges the imminence of death, recalls a
life of both goodness and missteps, and asks that the good be remembered and the misdeeds forgiven. In some versions there is a request
that those who are left behind should be granted special protection.
Generations of Jews have chosen the Shema prayer as their final utterance. This central prayer of Judaism proclaims God’s oneness:
Listen oh Israel, the Lord, Our God is One. Shema Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Echad. God is acknowledged as the source of all,
the Source before whom we are all equal.
When to Say the Prayer
Loss of hope to live is not a prerequisite for saying this prayer. The Shulkhan Arukh, Code of Jewish Law, reminds the go-sess
that saying Vidui does not bring on death and it does not preclude any hope of recovery. Vidui provides a platform from which
to say goodbye, to ask forgiveness, and to ease fears.
The words said, from the prayer book or from the heart, make death a holy moment.
Sephardic Jews bid leave before the community and gather a minyan, a quorum of ten people, before saying the Vidui.
At the Time of Death – Then and Now
And then the moment has come.
Customary care for the deceased defines an honorable way to shift into automatic action. Tradition acknowledges the numbness that comes
with a loss and lists a host of things to do before burial.
Tenderly, the Chevrah Kaddisha would attend to the body. Eyes would be closed, and the mouth would be shut and prevented form
opening. Limbs would be straightened. A cloth would be draped over the body. The body would be positioned so that the feet would face the
door. A candle would be placed in the room and lit. A member of the Chevra Kaddisha or the family would remain beside the body at
all times, a final vigil.
If the death occurred anywhere outside of a hospital, now is the time to call the doctor and the police. Calls should also be placed to the
funeral home and the rabbi.
A Blessing for A Loss
It is perhaps the hardest blessing to say and many Conservative Jews choose not to say this blessing at all. At a moment of loss and upon
hearing the news, God is remembered as the True Judge whose judgment is ultimately righteous.
The traditional text:
Barukh Ah-ta Adonai Elohaynu Melekh HaOlam Dayan HaEmet, Blessed are you God, ruler of
the world, the righteous judge
This blessing is spoken by those most affected by the loss: children, parents, spouses and siblings. Those
who hear of or witness a death may choose to make this blessing.
Mourning rituals in Judaism are extensive. Ritualized mourning has several purposes: it shows respect for the dead, comforts those left behind, helps prevent excessive mourning, and eventually helps the bereaved to return to normal life. Mourning is observed for 30 days after burial, very intensely so in the first seven days. Regular remembrances are performed in the years following the death.
Upon first hearing of the death of a close relative (parent, child, sibling or spouse), grief is traditionally expressed by tearing (keriyah) one's clothing.
The bereaved will wear the torn clothing through the first seven days of mourning. The relative then recites a blessing describing God as the true Judge.
During the period between death and burial (aninut), the primary responsibility of mourners is to care for the dead and prepare the body for burial. This duty takes precedence over all other commandments. The family is left alone to grieve during aninut; calls or visits should not be made during this time.
After the burial, a relative or friend prepares the "meal of condolence," which traditionally consists of eggs (symbolizing life) and bread. This meal is for family only, but visitors may come to offer condolences afterwards.
The family then enters a seven-day period of intense mourning
(shiva, "seven").
Mourners sit on low stools or the floor instead of chairs, do not wear leather shoes, shave or cut their hair, wear cosmetics, work, bathe, have sex, put on fresh clothing, or study Torah (except Torah related to mourning and grief). They wear the clothes they tore when they learned of the death or at the funeral. Mirrors in the house are covered. Prayer services are held where the shiva is held, with friends, neighbors and relatives making up the minyan.
Shiva is followed by schloshim ("thirty"), which lasts until the 30th day after burial. During this period, the bereaved do not attend parties or celebrations, do not shave or cut their hair, and do not listen to music.
The final period of formal mourning, avelut, lasts for 12 months from burial and is observed only for a parent. During avelut, mourners do not go to parties, the theater or concerts. The son of the deceased recites the Kaddish prayer every day for 11 months. (Why not 12? Traditionally, the soul must purify itself before going to the world to come, which takes up to 12 months for the most evil.
To recite the Kaddish for 12 months could imply the parent was the type that would need that long, so rabbinical authority set the limit at 11 months.)
Interestingly, the mourner's Kaddish does not mention death. Rather, it praises God and asks for the establishment of God's kingdom. Its purpose is to reaffirm the faith of one who has lost a parent, a time when one is especially vulnerable to turning away from God. This in turn honors the deceased, since it demonstrates he or she has raised a child with faith that is strong enough to endure the death of a loved one.
After the first year, the anniversary of death (yahrzeit) is remembered annually at the synagogue. The son recites the Mourner's Kaddish and makes the aliyah, and a candle is lit that burns for 24 hours.
Music: Shalom Katz - El Moleh Rachamim for those who perished in Shoah
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Tishrei 5771